Honesty

Way back when I started this blog, I promised to be honest.  I promised to post the good with the bad, so that I don't falsely portray an image of a perfect life that would make other's feel bad about theirs.  Well, I have had a "bad" and a "good", so here goes.  As I was sitting in my car today during lunch having myself a good cry, this song came on the radio (yeah, I still listen to the radio, I'm old school like that).  I just wanted to share the lyrics because they touched me and made me feel better.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough"
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees 


In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel, may you find some comfort here.




I was entering the grocery store on Friday, and before I could get in I heard an old man say from behind me "That sure is a beautiful baby you've got there".  I turned around to see who was saying it, and kind of had my breath taken away.  This man was a spitting image of my late Grandpa Pinson.  I mean, he didn't just sort of resemble him, he looked just like him.  He talked to me for a minute, telling me about how big of a family he has and how wonderful grandbaby's and great-grandbaby's are.  He again complimented me on how sweet Ella was, then went on his way.  At first, I thought to myself..."what a cool coincidence".  But after I just heard this song, I feel a little differently.  I'm quite sure now that my Grandpa Pinson, who for some reason always had a soft spot for me, knew that I was going to have an emotionally charged weekend and paid me a little visit.  It wouldn't be the first time, just the first time while I was awake.

Over the weekend several people that I love dearly butted heads pretty hard over FB.  It left me feeling like I was stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place.  Emotionally drained and deeply saddened for the feelings that were hurt with everyone involved.  I mean, what do you do when a family member and some best friends are having at each other?  In the end I decided to bow out of it completely, deleted most of my FB contacts, aside from family members, and vowed never to get caught up in online drama ever again.  This is something that would NEVER happen face to face.  It just ridiculous that it happens online.

So, still feeling sad today, I took my lunch break in my car and had a good little cry session, when this song came on.  I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, and I could feel the hug.  Not just imagining it, but physically feel it, and I knew exactly who it was from.  I've always felt close to my Grandpa since he passed, and this was another confirmation to me that he's looking out for me and caring for me from the other side.  This may be a pretty personal thing to share on a blog, but I'm all about being honest.

In the end, it is so easy to feel "not good enough", but all you can do is be exactly who you are and hope that it's enough for those who choose to be a part of your life.

Much love to those of you who take me for who I am and love me for exactly who I am.

I